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Dear Sir:
It has recently come to my attention that you have acquired knowledge of a relatively well-known 1982 song called "Africa", by the pop band Toto (http://www.youtube.com/wat
I cannot really fault you for liking the song; many people throughout the last 30 years have felt similarly. However, most of those people are happy with listening to the song. You, on the other hand, were apparently not content with being a simple appreciator of good music, and thus needed to be a douchebag.
Someone, probably your mother, may have told you that you had a good voice. I can't really tell, considering how much it's been digitally enhanced, but it's entirely possible that little Wolfy had a dream to be a singer someday.
Someone else, possibly playing a rather clever practical joke, told you that you would make a great urban/R&B star. And you, being a skinny kinda-white boy with a sideways bright red trucker cap, a few gold earrings, and a sense of entitlement due to your awesome! ripped! abs!, took this suggestion to heart. And perhaps you have made generic, computer-enhanced, club-friendly, no-IQ-required "songs" in the past, which have thankfully passed well below my radar. Had you simply continued on this way, I would have said Shine on, you crazy cubic zirconium. May your posters grace the walls of prepubescent girls for years to come.
But you had to go and fuck all of this up.
It's possibly due to the herpes that I am fairly sure you have has infected your brain, or maybe it's your simply atrocious sense of entitlement, or even simple jerkassery. Maybe one day you shook yourself from your random tangle of ho's and said, with the wit and charm of James Bond on several pounds of heroin, "Dude, I should cover "Africa!" And make it with MAD BEATSORZ!!1!!1!"
And while several puppies fell extremely ill due to the intense wrongness of that idea, in theory I can sort of understand the thought process. Toto has "mad beats", mainly because they wrote a layered song that took several African-inspired rhythms and integrated them into the rest of the music. And the concept of taking that drumline beyond what Toto originally did within their version of the song has a small amount of merit, even if purely from a point of novelty. And possibly the chorus could be played with a little bit. I can accept this, if I really try.
My grudging understanding of your demented thought process is not, by any means, an endorsement of you actually touching "Africa" with a ten foot pole. It also does not mean that I am in any way going to touch you, ever.
But, sir, the ability to cover a pop classic like "Africa" does not give you an excuse to do this:
http://www.youtube.com/wat
This, sir, is what is clinically known as "the complete and utter rape of one of the precious songs from my childhood." Not only have you intercut the chorus of the original with a fairly generic douchebag R&B song, complete with fat accompaning rapper/homie, but you also have murdered a musical bridge in what must be a first in music history, as well as completely eradicating all depth or beauty from the song.
However, you then had to proceed to show the complete and total extent of your mental deficit by creating this video.
I will not comment on the many, many things that sin against nature within this video, but focus primarily on the one thing that I cannot forgive, the one thing that causes me to conclude that you must be spoonfed by a nanny at home:
Objectified women in bikinis do not belong anywhere NEAR this song, even the mockery you have made of it. You have turned a wonderful song into something that makes me feel dirty while even listening to it, never mind watching this visual vomit. This offends me on virtually every level.
So, sir, in conclusion: fuck you, for your audacity to commit this crime against music, and for ruining all the young minds you will infect with this garbage when they could be listening to the far better, deeper and more intelligent original.
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